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So over the last few months, I’ve been fighting off a recurring problem which I think impacts a large number of people. Some of you may have experienced this issue both at work and at home. At work, it is less frequent, but often makes people stop, look around, and wonder. At home at least you are in the privacy of your own home. I am of course talking about dieresis. Dieresis is a problem that affects, on average, 873 million people per day…mostly Europeans. For those of us who are not European, and may be slightly concerned, I offer a translation. Dieresis is an umlaut. An umlaut you say? But I dreamed about one of those just last night! […]

Weddings

This one was written a while ago – but it seemed appropriate to bring out on 6/26/2015. I want to get married. I want a big church wedding, with flowers, and candles, and brides maids and grooms men, and as much pomp and as much circumstance as the building can hold. Actually that’s all a lie. I haven’t set foot in a church in ages, flowers make me sneeze and make my eyes water, candles from anywhere other than Illuminations are an abomination, brides maids assumes that there is a female involved or a person playing a female role which is not me in the least, and pomp and circumstance are highly overrated in today’s society. That being said. I […]

Independence Day

Epipremnum aureum. Common name, Pothos. Derived from the Latin Vulgate meaning that which grows and spreads like wildfire yet can grow even in dark closets. This amazing plant has sprung up in every restaurant, every airport, every hospital, everywhere – and the obvious benefits of such a plant are well…obvious! They add a sparkle of green and yellow to the decor. They easily spread to cover a large area, and can be used to accent not only table tops, but also counters, shelves, bookcases, and in ancient times they even put them on either side of the portcullis of a castle. But what we’re really concerned with today are the health benefits of the Pothos. As with any chlorophyll rich […]

Valentine’s Day – A History

Fluorescent Lighting. Buying Heath a book called “The Superior Person’s Book of Words”. Carpool lanes that require more than 1 person in the car. Plaid. What do all these things have to do with Valentine’s Day? They are all incredibly BAD ideas. (except for the plaid) What drives us to buy chocolates, flowers, and cards today? What causes us to make reservations for the hottest restaurant four months in advance? Why do we max out our credit cards each and every year on a day that we don’t even get off from work? What are the origins of this false “holiday”…where did it come from…why do people accept and tolerate it…why does Hallmark stock break volume trading records on this day? […]

Memories of Easter

What is Easter? Where did it come from? Is it solely a Christian holiday to celebrate the death and resurrection of a deity? Or is it a Pagan rite of fertility? Or perhaps it was created by a bunch of people who were really fond of rabbit fur. When I ponder my childhood, I remember trying to stay up as late as I could on Easter Eve, so I could catch a glimpse of the resurrected Easter Bunny coming down the chimney to deliver fabulous and colourful eggs that would remind me of the cave and the stone that was rolled away. I usually lasted until about 8pm, at which point my eyelids could no longer stay open. But just […]

Music Makes a People

I originally published this in 2003, and it’s long, so grab a soda and sit for a while. I felt that during this critical time in our country, when separation is becoming the norm, instead of inclusion it might be time to remind everyone that Music Makes a People Come Together. Because look around…everywhere you turn it’s heartache, it’s everywhere that you go… Also note: If you are able to accurately count the number of musical references contained herein, you might win a prize. Ma ma se, Ma ma sa, ma ma coo sa (Mama-say mama-sah ma-ma-coo-sah). Some of the most expressive words ever put to music (note: these words should not be mistaken for mecca lecca hi mecca hiney […]

The Great Halloween Masacre

A short story from many, many, many years gone by… Is everyone feeling hella good??? I know that when this special dark day of the year rolls around, I’m feeling hella great! Or for adults who wear braces, or have small children, you are permitted to feel hecka great. What a joyous and fun day to celebrate the exhumation of spirits and ghouls and ghosts and zombies that creep out from every tomb and are closing in to seal your doom. Halloween is my second favourite holiday, just after Xmas. Third on the list is Turkey Day, and then after that, there are no other holidays that float my boat. Halloween and Xmas are the only two holidays in our culture that require massive […]

Beware the Hemicrania

I get headaches all the time. Not those little baby headaches that lazy people get so they can call in sick or leave early because they don’t like the project they are on and can just as easily browse the web from home as they can from work. I’m talking about the king of headaches. The Alpha and Omega of headaches. The great, I AM headache. I am of course speaking of the migraine. The Book of Webster defines migraine as: Main Entry: mi•graine Pronunciation: ‘mI-“grAn, British often ‘mE- Function: noun Etymology: French, modification of Late Latin hemicrania pain in one side of the head, from Greek hEmikrania, from hEmi- hemi- + kranion cranium Date: 15th century 1 : a […]

Words

As you all know, I’m a huge fan of words. Actually more than just a fan, I’m an addict. I use them constantly…every day…without pause. Sometimes I think that there’s nothing else I can do but use words. When I’m waking up, I use words (“oh my god not another day of this“, “turn off the alarm!”, “is it Friday yet?”). When I take a shower I use words (“did you use up ALL of the shampoo?”, “what happened to my loofah?”). Driving to work…words (“GET OUT OF MY WAY!“, “GET OFF THE PHONE AND DRIVE!”, “@#&%(&@#%(*&@!!!!!“). And when I get to work, just watch out because it’s like word overload! “Moving forward, we need to recognize that a paradigm shift […]

The Alphabet Song Part II

There isn’t a part one. Well, there was, but it was crap. Not that part two is any better. After the rain clouds have Burst in the sky, out Comes the sun and Dries up all the rain. Even though you thought I was Fooling you with that rhyme, the Goal of the poem, is not to keep time. How can you expect me to know every Itsy, bitsy thing Just because I’m the King? Lately I’ve been thinking that Most of the work done around here is done by No one. That’s right. The Only one who seems to have a grasp on what is Possible is the Queen. but her problem is that she Refuses to let anyone […]